Kids are gross sometimes.

And I mean really gross.
Sofia, my little princess, was in the bath last night. I was right there, reading a book. Not really paying attention because she was happily splashing away.
All of the sudden she screams, then cries. I notice something brown in her mouth. I notice brown things floating all around her in the bath. She pooped in there.... must be much easier on the bum than trying to push it into a diaper. She must have thought it looked good too because she took a bite. She must have cried when she realized what a mistake it was.... to eat a turd.
I feel bad. I was right there. I let it happen.
Alex called his mom and told on me. I called my own mom and told her too. The first thing my mom said was... "Did you grab the camera??" Ummm... No. I was trying to wash the turd out of her mouth. Sorry. And I think she was actually disappointed that she was not going to be able to scrapbook that traumatizing moment.

Sofia got a tooth!

Finally, finally, FINALLY! I know there are teeth in there! She seems oblivious to it, so I guess that's good.

The amnio is tomorrow.

I'm so nervous. But I think I really do need to know. The doctor called me today and she thinks everything is just fine. I sure hope so. This will be the longest 2 weeks ever, I think.

How hard is it to get up with the baby?!?!

Just once. I hardly ever ask him to get up and take care of Sofia while I get an extra half hour of sleep. And when I do ask him... he never does it. I could bitch forever about this. I am mad. But I won't. I'll just stop doing things for him when I don't feel like it. Grrrrrrr.

I'm a hypocrite.

I am so ashamed. I never thought I would feel like this... we had our ultrasound. Pip was moving around, heart was strong. But they found 2 markers for chromosomal abnormalities. An echogenic focus on the heart and some fluid, or dilation, of the kidneys. The doctor reassured us that with everything else looking perfect, that she *thought* that everything would be just fine. But she aslo said that sometimes there are NO markers and a baby can still be born with a defect so there is no guarantee. She said that an amnio was an option. I always said I would never have an amnio, and declined it right away. I thought that no matter what, this is my baby and I will have it and raise it.... which is true. I will. But last night I broke down. I was having horrible thoughts. This was NOT part of my plan. And last night as I was crying and telling my husband all of the horrible feelings I was having... he just held me and let me cry. When I asked him what we were going to do if something were wrong with the baby.... he said "We'll feed it, and change it's diaper, and love it." Which made me feel even more like a horrible person. This is not how I thought I would react. I put a call into the doctor that discussed our ultrasound results with us and I think I am going to request to go ahead with the amnio. We have another ultrasound scheduled in a month... but even if the markers are gone, I won't be reassured until I know for sure. If she told me to come in today to have an amnio, I would. I never thought that I would do that. But this is something I think I need to prepare for. I don't want to keep false hope, and also be a nervous wreck through out the rest of my pregnancy.
I'll be more that thrilled if we find out nothing is wrong. But if there is... I need to be ready.
Somehow, I feel like something IS wrong. Deep down I think I know.

Pip was kicking away last night, and I wasn't even excited about it like I was before the ultrasound. I feel sick about this. I do love this baby but I am scared.

Her feet work!!!!!

At 17 months 1 day old, My Sofia FINALLY took her first steps!!! I almost cried!
Olivia was sad to have missed it, but she took a couple more this morning just for her big sister.

I told Alex that she must have been waiting for Daddy to come home. She didn't want him to miss it! He missed the first ones anyway.... but I called him right in and he was witness to her second set of steps. It's amazing, how they grow.

Sometimes I have horrible thoughts.

I'm sure it's just a normal part of being a mother. Sometimes I can't stop myself from thinking about if the worst were to happen. If something were to happen to my children..... God better take me too, because I wouldn't want to survive. I know I would collapse and I'm not sure I could get up.
I *think* this is normal. Maybe not so much. I worry about house fires.... mostly along those lines.... where I would have a chance to save them, but couldn't.
I need my Little Miss Olivia and my Sofia Stinkerina. I really, really do. So, please, keep them safe.

I DON'T have to share my husband on his first day home!

And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.
We had a wonderful first day home. We went to walk around Pike Place, bought some raspberries, apricots and Cajun almonds. We wanted to spend the day together, alone. So that is what we did. I'm sorry if that offended anyone. Or hurt anyone's feelings. But he's MY husband and it's ONE day!! (Not to mention the ONE day he got off work before he had to go back in today to start this monotonous routine all over again!)


On a nicer note... Sofia stood up from the floor holding on to NOTHING this morning. She just did it! And I saw it! She looked like she thought she was SO BIG! And you could tell she was thrilled with herself. Maybe she'll do it for Daddy later.

Miss Olivia will be home Sunday from Tricities and Alex has a bear for her. It's very cute and it has these huge feet! So funny. She has been sleeping with a stuffed dog that Alex got her for Christmas. She missed him while he was gone. I don't think she'll ever admit it, but I could tell.


P.S.
I *think* he really DID like the Asado!

I know they don't do it to piss me off intentionally...

But can the army EVER do what they say they'll do? Can a flight just be on time? Just once??

Geez.

At least I got some cooking done. I made Asado (pork in a red chile sauce) and homemade refried beans which aren't done yet, but smell SO good! I've been tasting so much sauce, though, that I'm not hungry. I hope Alex likes it because the chile sauce takes TIME! But if he doesn't, I know it won't go to waste! That man will eat ANYTHING. And he'll choke it down and swear that it was the best thing he ever tasted! I can tell, though, by the look on his face whether or not he is telling the truth. I KNOW he hated the fish tacos I made but he denies it to this day.

Can we be done now??

I wrote out something longer. A lot longer. But it was turning bitter. And I don't want to be like that. So I'll just ask..... Haven't we done this long enough?? Can I have my husband home for good now? Can our children finally have a father around??

And here I go wanting to be sarcastic again so I will stop writing for now. And I'll cuss him out (nicely, of course) when he gets home.

I have SO much to do!

I'm not completely sure why I wait until the last minute to do things that need to be done. I have a matter of days before my hero comes home, and here I sit. I DID pay bills today and I do suppose that those are a bit more important than a clean toilet. Maybe not, though, since Sofia will dive in with both hands in a split second. Luckily Olivia flushes every time because she thinks the dog might not like potty water. Olivia actually thinks the dog needs a fresh bowl of water on the floor.... I say the toilet IS pretty fresh. As long as we flush. I thought everyone gave their dog free access to the toilet.
That isn't the only thing that needs cleaning... it's just one thing on a list of about 10. I'll get it done. You'll see.

Why do your eyes pop open at the first sign of daylight?

Miss Sofia May,
I know you're little, but you really DO have to do what I say. And I say GO BACK TO SLEEP! Your sister is still asleep. And so is the cat. And I would be too if not for your eyes popping open just because a little ray of light came through the window. I'm sure it would be futile to explain, but it IS summer. In the summer, the sun comes up sooner and stays up later. This does not effect bedtime.. and your protests don't help your cause. I will win this battle!

I thought... "Only 40 people."

What a horrible place the world is sometimes when one would think "Only 40 people." when a terror attack kills. How am I so hardened that even 40 people dying doesn't shock me.

And then I catch myself thinking that thought and it hits me like a brick. 40 people is a lot of people. And in those 40 people many other lives were destroyed. For the families and friends of those 40... those 40 people were the entire world. And for all of the people who are experiencing what we experienced on September 11th for the first time... close to their OWN home, the feeling of safety and security has been ripped out from under their feet. Until the next attack when they themselves think "Only 40 people." and then realize what 40 people mean.

I want my husband home with me but on days like this I understand why he has to be gone.